DICKWAD BIKE GEAR NOT INVITED BACK TO 2009
• Tiny chopped handlebars—"Hey, wouldn't it be, like, so sweet if we sawed our handlebars in half? They'd be just like regular handlebars, but so tiny that two hands could barely fit on them. Super hot! Right, dude? Right?" Wrong.
• Aerospoke wheels—These giant plastic spokes try so hard to be hot. Hot like your totally edgy punk blue hair and new gold Adidas.
• Pants so tight you can't pedal: Sexy citizens of Portland do not want to see your skinny white ass crack. K? Thnx.
• Non-homeless people who ride mountain bikes around town: These people are sporty douchebags.
• Adult tricycles: If you don't understand why, then never mind—you should totally go buy one.
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